This Cat Aint' Afraid of Water
by Emotive Gothika
Summary: Ulquiorra and brownies? Grimmjow and water? What's the connection? "This is all your fault." oneshot originally posted last Valentine's Day


Summary: Ulquiorra and brownies? Grimmjow and water? What's the connection? "This is all your fault." oneshot originally for Valentine's Day

A/N: I know Valentine's Day was like, a month ago, but this was originally put in a oneshot series, though no one reviewed it T.T So, I have edited the chapters and made them all into separate oneshots. Hopefully someone will review them...

Rated: T

Warning: Boy on boy kissing, nudity, slight OOC, and language

Disclaimer: Bleach is the property of Tite Kubo, meaning it's not mine

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**This Cat Ain't Afraid Of Water**

Grimmjow Jeagerjaques wasn't a very happy kitty today.

He was pissed off.

_Very_ pissed off.

_So_ pissed off that he could bring all of Las Noches down if he could.

And why is our little blue kitty pissed off? Well, besides from the usual things (Aizen, idiot fraccions, Aizen, the other Espada, Aizen, a certain orange-haired substitute shinigami, and did I mention Aizen?) Grimmjow was fuming about what another arrancar said when he and his companions passed by the Sexta Espada, carrying a couple buckets of water (why they were carrying buckets of water, the Sexta will never know).

"Be careful! Since he's a cat Grimmjow-sama's afraid of water."

That made Grimmjow's very short patience snap and he ended up beating the arrancars into a bloody pulp. But it didn't end there, oh no. Because of that little scene, everyone in Las Noches was convinced that Grimmjow really _was_ afraid of water. They were convinced that the Sexta Espada beat up those arrancar _because_ they were carrying those buckets of water too close to him. Even Aizen was convinced and the brunet shinigami was careful not to put too much tea in the blunet's cup when they had meetings, lest the blunet freaks out from seeing too much liquid.

That pissed Grimmjow off to no end.

But knowing that sulking around Las Noches and lashing out at everyone who came near him wasn't going to solve his predicament, Grimmjow proceeded to the kitchen for his stomach was growling (despite having his hollow hole there). He burst through the door of the kitchen, growling an incoherent insult to everyone who thought that he was afraid of water, and he stopped short when he noticed that the room wasn't as empty as he thought.

Sitting at the kitchen table with half a plate of brownies in front of him was Ulquiorra Schiffer. But it wasn't the Cuatro Espada's presense that surprised Grimmjow. It was the _position_ that the Cuatro was in. The fourth Espada was slouching in his chair, forearms folded on the table, black hair falling over his eyes oh so casually. He has never seen Ulquiorra look so... relaxed. Ulquiorra actually looked normal in that position. And not only that, but there was also half a glass of milk next to the plate of brownies.

Grimmjow couldn't suppress his smirk. _Who knew?_

"What?" Ulquiorra asked the blunet in his usual monotone voice, eyes narrowed in a not so usual glare.

"Oh nothing," Grimmjow said casually, kicking the door closed behind him as he walked over to the table, sitting across the pale arrancar. "I just never knew you could look so normal. Nor did I know you liked to eat brownies... or chocolate for that matter."

Ulquiorra lifted an eyebrow at Grimmjow's statement, then his eyes strayed downwards to where Grimmjow's hand was snaking it's way towards the plate of brownies. Ulquiorra quickly shot out his hand, grabbing the blunet's wrist in a tight grip.

"Don't even think about," he said, eyes on Grimmjow's face again.

"Why not?" Grimmjow said with a wide smirk. "I'm hungry too. Didn't Aizen teach you to share?"

Ulquiorra glowered at the Sexta Espada, then let go of the cat's wrist while biting back a sigh.

"Fine, take one," he said and Grimmjow grabbed a brownie, bringing it to his mouth and taking a huge bite out of it.

Grimmjow's eyes instantly went wide at the chocolaty flavor that exploded in his mouth. Slightly crunchy on the outside, soft and chewy on the inside, and covered in powdered sugar, the brownie was like the Sexta took a one-way ticket to a little place called Awesome Cooking Town or even Deliciousville or how about to the Land of Brownies That So Do Not Reek.

Ulquiorra lifted his eyebrows again at Grimmjow's wide-eyed look.

"Why so surprised?" he asked the blunet.

"... This... bro... brow..." Grimmjow said, wondering why he was stammering.

"Brow?" Ulquiorra said, not quite getting what the Sexta Espada was saying.

"Brownie..." Grimmjow said and Ulquiorra made a gesture with his head in realization. "These brownies are great!" Grimmjow suddenly cried, jumping out of his chair and making Ulquiorra jump also. "Who made these?! I wanna know!"

The world must've stopped turning for in that one moment, Ulquiorra did something so very un-Ulquiorra-like; he blushed (although the gesture itself was very subtle). Grimmjow's eyebrows threatened to disappear into his hair as he raised them up high.

"Don't tell me," Grimmjow said and he looked around the kitchen, only now realizing how slightly messy it was. There were unwashed dishes in the sink, put in there very recently, and there were a couple tiny puddles of what seemed to be brown liquid scattered over the counter. Sitting next to one of the many stoves was a big bowl of the brown liquid and Grimmjow also noticed that one of the stoves was on, baking what seemed to be another batch of brownies. The sight of seeing the baking brownies only confirmed Grimmjow's hunch and he looked at Ulquiorra again, who met his eyes with a glance only to look away with his blush getting slightly darker. Grimmjow's lips curved upwards in a grin and he leaned towards Ulquiorra, bringing their faces close together.

"Don't tell me," he said again, his deep blue eyes glinting mischievously. "You're the one who made these brownies?"

Ulquiorra made a noise in his throat that sounded like a groan and he closed his eyes, choosing not to answer the question.

"Denial only confirms it," Grimmjow teased, poking Ulquiorra in the ribs and the Cuatro Espada fidgeted ever so slightly.

"Who said I denied it?" the pale arrancar said and Grimmjow's grin only got wider.

A _ding!_ made the two Espada jump lightly and Ulquiorra immediately got up from his chair, going to the stove as he pulled on an oven mitt. Ulquiorra opened the stove, feeling a blast of heat on his face as he bent over and reached inside for the pan. Behind him, Grimmjow's cat eyes traveled over the Cuatro's body, scanning the lithe form and noticing how graceful the pale arrancar moved, even if the movements were simple. Why he was thinking like that so suddenly, he couldn't even guess.

Ulquiorra set the hot pan of brownies on the counter and slipped off his oven mitt. The smell of chocolate wafted through the air and Grimmjow felt his mouth water, not just with hunger towards the brownies, but also hunger towards a certain arrancar who has suddenly taken the blunet's interest. Said blunet left the table and went over to Ulquiorra, standing right behind the him and bringing a hand up. Ulquiorra however sensed Grimmjow behind him and turned around. Grimmjow just reached for the bowl of brownie batter as an excuse for his movements.

"What're you doing?" Ulquiorra asked with wide eyes as Grimmjow took the bowl and stuck a finger in the batter.

"Mmm," Grimmjow said, closing his eyes as he licked the batter that stuck to his finger. "Is there a spoon I can lick?"

"No eating the batter," Ulquiorra said with an annoyed tone of voice as he grabbed the bowl but Grimmjow held onto it.

"Why not?" he argued, pulling the bowl towards him. "It's not like I'll eat all of it."

"This is for the next batch," Ulquiorra said sternly as he pulled the bowl towards him. "Besides, you'll get your germs on it."

"How can I get my germs on it?" Grimmjow growled, pulling the bowl back. "I just want to lick the spoon!"

"You already stuck your finger in it!" Ulquiorra cried, using his superior strength to wrench the bowl out of the Sexta's hands, but that was a huge mistake to make. The bowl flew upwards and before the two Espada could even _think_ of what just happened, the bowl upended in the air and fell right on top of Ulquiorra's head.

The Sexta stared at the Cuatro, sapphire eyes wide with shock. Ulquiorra stood frozen in his spot, his own emerald eyes wide as the brownie batter dripped down his head and into his face. A moment of silence passed between the two, which was a miracle in itself, then the moment was gone as Grimmjow burst out laughing.

"That's a good look for you Ulquiorra!" he rasped, pointing at the bowl that was on the pale arrancar's head and Ulquiorra groaned as his eyes narrowed in a glare.

"Shut up," the Cuatro growled, punching a hysterical Grimmjow in the chest before reaching up and taking the bowl off his head. "This is all your fault."

"Yeah, yeah it is," Grimmjow said as his laughter died down and he wiped his eyes free of tears. "But that batter really adds color to your face."

Ulquiorra glared at the blunet again, then sighed as he looked at the batch of brownies that he just took out of the oven.

"Do me a favor will you?" said the pale arrancar as if it was the most casual thing in the world. "When these brownies cool, cut them in rectangles, sprinkle some powdered sugar on them, then stack them on a plate with the others and leave them on the table. I have to go take a shower."

Grimmjow raised an eyebrow at Ulquiorra. _Is the world coming to an end? Is Ulquiorra really asking me for a favor?_

"Sure," Grimmjow said, surprising his own self, and Ulquiorra turned towards the door but paused for a moment.

"And don't forget to clean up," the Cuatro said and he hurried out the door before Grimmjow could explode at him for leaving him in charge of cleaning up the Cuatro's mess.

"Damn that fucking Cuatro, leaving me to clean up his mess," Grimmjow muttered to himself as he searched through the drawers for a knife. "Tch, like I will."

He knew that the brownies weren't that cool yet, but he wanted to hurry and leave the kitchen. The Sexta swiftly and skillfully cut the pastry in perfect rectangles then stacked them on the plate that housed the first batch of brownies, sprinkling powdered sugar on them afterwards. Grimmjow then spied a note that was under the plate. He took it out and read it.

_Happy Valentine's Day! Feel free to take a brownie!_

Grimmjow stared at the note. It was neatly written and looked like it was just typed on a computer, but the blunet knew that Ulquiorra was the one to wrote it. He wondered why the Cuatro would bake Valentine's Day brownies for everyone. It was extremely strange and very unlike the pale Espada.

Setting aside the note, Grimmjow took a brownie for the road and left the kitchen, a thought coming to mind and a grin appearing on his face.

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_Damn that Grimmjow. This batter will be difficult to wash out of my hair and mask._

Ulquiorra stepped inside his room, brownie batter still dripping from his head and down his face. He was thankful that he met no one on the way to his sanctuary. If anyone found out about this little "accident" it would ruin his reputation for sure.

Putting aside his negative emotions, Ulquiorra stepped inside his bathroom and stripped down to nothing, tossing aside his white robes pellmell as he climbed into the shower. Ulquiorra turned up the heat to the hottest temperature he could endure and he stood in the rain that fell from the ceiling.

This is what Ulquiorra liked most about the bathroom. Instead of a shower head, the flow of water would come down from the ceiling like rain. It was like one was actually in the rain and the Cuatro happened to like the rain, especially in the human world where the rain was cold and random and would range from a light sprinkle to a total downpour.

And though he would never confide to anyone about, the Cuatro actually... what was the word for it?... _admired_ the human realm. It was a more serene place then Hueco Mundo, where it was forever night. At least over where the living resided there was a sun that brought warmth and plants that added color to the world and places that provided one a quiet spot to just sit and think. Not like in Hueco Mundo. The hollow world was full of hostile hollows where the main rule is to eat or be eaten. There was never really a quiet moment and there was no other color in the vast desert except black and white (though those two weren't really colors, but rather shades).

Ulquiorra himself only saw black and white. Even his own body was mostly black and white, save for his green tearstreaks and emerald eyes. Those were the only things that Ulquiorra liked about his body. They could take away his mask or any of his limbs or even any of his organs, but never his eyes. Never his emerald eyes.

Ulquiorra opened those emerald eyes and was surprised that they were even closed. He was even more surprised to find himself leaning against the wall with one hand, head bowed as if he was praying. The arrancar straightened himself up and ran a hand through his hair, shaking it slightly so the last bits of batter would mix with the water and go down the drain. Ulquiorra then reached over to the nearby shelf and got his shampoo. After adjusting the flow of water to a light sprinkle, the arrancar squeezed a generous amount of shampoo on his hand and started to lather it into his jet-black hair. He lathered and lathered and was about to turn the water up again when a sharp sting of pain erupted from both his eyes. Ulquiorra hissed, bringing his hands to his eyes in an attempt to rub the pain out, but that only made it worse for he still had shampoo on his pale hands. He searched out blindly for the knob that'll turn the water back up again, but his attempts were fruitless for the stinging in his eyes were distracting him. Giving up on finding the knob, Ulquiorra used his wrists to try and wipe away the shampoo that leaked to the corner of his eyes. He was successful in that area, but the stinging was still there, preventing the arrancar from opening his eyes.

"God damnit!" the Cuatro hissed, trying again to find that stubborn knob again, but he stopped for he heard the opening and closing of the bathroom door. "Is anyone there?" he asked, but got no response.

Instead, he heard footsteps and a rustle of clothing. Ulquiorra knew someone was in the bathroom with him, but the person was hiding his reiatsu well enough to not be identified.

"Whoever you are, get the hell out of here before I cut off your head," Ulquiorra threatened whoever it was, though it was kind of unconvincing since he _was_ in the _shower_ and didn't have his zanpakuto with him. Ulquiorra mentally face palmed himself for saying such an empty threat.

The Cuatro Espada tensed when he heard the shower curtain being pulled aside, then closed again. Was that person getting in the shower with him? Ulquiorra was suddenly aware of his nakedness (he was in the shower for Aizen's sake!) and a light shade of red found its way across the pale arrancar's cheeks. He was a stoic arrancar who mostly kept to himself and he had his secrets... like being body-shy. Why do you think he wore long sleeves and kept his hands in his pockets?!

"Whoever you are, get the hell out of here!" Ulquiorra cried, backing up a little and he heard a deep chuckle, though he wasn't sure if it was coming from in front of him or behind him.

Then, there was a squeak of a knob and Ulquiorra felt the pressure of the water increase, pattering into his hair and washing out the shampoo that still lingered. Ulquiorra immediately tilted his head up so that the water would wash away the shampoo from his eyes, but then the arrancar felt a hand tunnel through his hair and he tensed. He wanted to strike out towards whoever was in the shower with him, but the movements of the hand on his head was so distracting... soothing... relaxing. Instead of lashing out, Ulquiorra sighed as he relished the feel of the hand massaging his head, gently helping the lingering shampoo mix with the water running through his hair.

The Cuatro heard another chuckle and he slowly opened his eyes, bringing his head back down. And who did he see was in the shower with him?

Someone he knew very well.

Someone that he least expected to be in the shower with him.

Someone that grinned mischievously at the Cuatro, whose face flushed with embarrassment.

Someone who had a number six tattooed on his back.

Oh. Joy. Praise Jesus or whoever you worship. It was Grimmjow Jeagerjaques, standing in the same shower as Ulquiorra Schiffer, completely and utterly butt naked.

Grimmjow kept on grinning, long canine teeth bared, hair plastered onto his head because of the wayer, and sapphire eyes giving the Cuatro a look that he couldn't identify. Ulquiorra just blinked... and blinked... and blinked once more. His face was an empty canvas, but his mind was whole different matter...

_HOLY FUCKING HELL GRIMMJOW!!! I AM SO GOING TO FUCKING RIP OFF YOUR FUCKING PENIS YOU FUCKING FUCKTARD AND SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR FUCKING THROAT AND WATCH YOU CHOKE ON IT YOU FUCK -_

But Ulquiorra's train of thought (and flow of cuss words) abruptly ceased when Grimmjow leaned in and pressed his soft pink lips against the Cuatro's own pale ones. Emerald eyes enlarged and Ulquiorra suddenly found it hard to move. What a strange feeling it was for the pale arrancar to feel lips on his own. So strange that, without thinking, he opened his mouth in surprise. Grimmjow saw his chance and immediately stuck his tongue into the Cuatro's inviting mouth, probing the dark and damp cavern. Ulquiorra felt a shiver go up his spine at the feeling of that hot appendage in his mouth and on his own tongue. He didn't even know if that was a good or bad feeling.

Seeing that he wasn't getting a reaction from the pale Espada, Grimmjow pulled away and grinned at the shocked look on Ulquiorra's face.

"You liked that bastard?" he asked and Ulquiorra blinked when he realized that Grimmjow wasn't kissing him anymore. "I can give you more if you want. Alot more."

Ulquiorra stared at the Sexta, emerald eyes still wide and surprised. Grimmjow just kept on grinning, but then he cursed out loud when Ulquiorra shot out his hand towards the blunet's face. It was a good thing said blunet was able to dodge the attack and Ulquiorra was still so shocked by the kiss that he wasn't thinking properly and managed to slip on the flooded floor. Grimmjow however was able to catch the Cuatro and Ulquiorra found himself being held by the Sexta's arms, head facing the floor, and now having a clear view of Grimmjow's... ahem... _parts_.

Well, one thing's for sure. Grimmjow was a natural blue.

"Like the view?" Grimmjow said, disregarding the would-be attack on him and before Ulquiorra could even blush, he felt himself being thrown onto the flooded floor and watched with wide eyes as Grimmjow crawled over him, straddling his naked waist.

"Ya' know bastard," the blunet said, water dripping down onto the brunet's face as they touched foreheads. "You may be a giant dick who has a thing for baking brownies on a Valentine's Day, but your looks aren't half bad and I have to admit, your eyes are the sexiest I've seen in my afterlife."

Ulquiorra remained silent, emerald eyes staring into those sapphire ones that seemed like a vast ocean. For some reason, the brunet felt himself getting lost in those eyes.

Grimmjow just grinned as he leaned in and captured Ulquiorra's lips again. This time however, Ulquiorra returned the kiss, his eyes fluttering to a close as he wrapped his arms around the blunet's neck and one thought crossing his mind as said blunet pulled away a moment later to began nipping at his neck.

_My ass is so going to be sore tomorrow..._

Grimmjow had a similar thought in mind.

_His ass is so going to be sore tomorrow,_ he thought smugly as he rubbed the edge of Ulquiorra's hollow hole with his tongue.

"Why... are you... doing this...?" the pale arrancar asked in between pleasured gasps, breaking his oath of silence.

"For two reasons," said the more muscular arrancar as he moved his tongue lower, tracing circles around his lover's nipples that was rewarded with a prolonged moan. "One, to show my feelings for you of course, and two... to prove once and for all, that this cat ain't afraid of water."

The water from the ceiling pattered against Ulquiorra's face and he made a vow right then and there.

_Never_ say anything about cats hating water in front of Grimmjow... lest he wants a night of angry sex... or no sex at all...

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Emolette: _-sigh-_ GrimmUlqui, it could not get any better. But really, if you say that cats are afraid of water in front of Grimmjow... well... you'll be sent to the morgue in pieces... some of them half chewed... some of them burned by ceros... and all of them hacked and slashed by Pantera... I love it when Grimmjow's in his release form ^.^ He looks so sexy!!! Right Ulqui-kun?

Ulquiorra: **-**_blush-_ I would rather not answer that question...

Emolette: Aww, ain't that kawai? Ulqui-kun's all embarrassed!

Ulquiorra: I'm even more embarrassed by the fact that you made shampoo run into my beautiful emerald eyes!

Emolette: XP I couldn't resist doing that! Ulquiorra with shampoo in his eyes. Classic scenario, not-so-classic Ulquiorra.

Ulquiorra: **-**_glare-_

Emolette: But don't worry, I think you're sexy in your release form also ^.^

Ulquiorra: ­_-rolls eyes-_

Emolette: Hey Grimmy-kun, question!

Grimmjow: What?

Emolette: Have you and Ulqui-kun done it in your release forms?

Grimmjow: **-**_thinks_**- **Actually, no we haven't.

Emolette: Well, won't that be a session to remember? **-**_wink-wink-nudge-nudge-_

Grimmjow: **-**_thinks really hard-_You know... you're right **-**_evil grin-_

Ulquiorra: **-**_pales... even more... actually, I don't think he can pale even more-_Uh-oh, my ass is warning me about something.

Grimmjow: **-**_grabs Ulquiorra and rushes off to nearest closet-_

Ulquiorra: **-**_totally sarcastic-_THANKS A LOT EMOLETTE!!!

Emolette: ^.^ You're welcome!!! **-**_whispers-_It's a good thing I put hidden cameras in every room **-**_perverted giggle-_And also, I think Ulquiorra baking brownies is cute! Don't you? ^/////^ Thanks again for reading this fic and please review!! Ja ne! **-**_rushes off to control room where monitors play and record whatever the hidden cameras see-_XD KYA!!!


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